When we fall for someone, we make ourselves vulnerable. We give another individual the power to make us feel wonderful, but also to destroy us entirely. Some of us struggle more than others with the ease with which we allow ourselves to become emotionally invested in someone of the opposite sex, which puts us in the friend zone and forces us to figure out for ourselves how to get over girl-related frustrations. My response as a young man in my late adolescent years was to cut off the feeling of emotional investment entirely. If I am not allowing myself to value girl so highly that I become vulnerable, I thought, then I run no risk of being hurt.
If only life were so logical.
Just a few years later, this conditioning had rooted itself so deeply that I found myself frustrated with the opposite extreme: I felt nothing. I was never in the friend zone, I was not afraid of being in the friend zone, but I was numb to any romance or emotion, even whilst having incredible in my life. Surely there must be a balance, and surely there must be a way to deal with the negatives of emotional vulnerability.
Why focus on preventing the feeling?
In the Friend Zone – Appreciating the Value of Emotion and Qualification
So you have feelings for a girl or a guy. Very strong feelings, even. Isn’t that the bloody point of meeting others in the first place? Regardless of whether your goal in dating is a relationship, a group of partners, a string of one-night-stands etc, no result will be enjoyable or sustainable if it is not grounded in emotion, being happy and content with the women or men with whom you are interacting.
I spent my first two or three years in the “seduction community” approaching and seducing girls, all the while keeping a strong guard up against developing the emotional ties that would lead to emotional vulnerability and the attachment that can come with it when left unchecked. The community calls this “oneitis”: unreciprocated emotional investment and attachment to a girl. This is how people wind up in the friend zone. Because this had been one of my primary struggles before really jumping into the community, it made sense, right? Avoid the pitfall that was primarily responsible for limiting my success and happiness with women?
What actually ended up happening, was that I grew to be very good at approaching and very good at closing with women, all the while lacking the ability to generate and express a true and honest emotional response. The result was, to borrow a phrase from the fantastic Showtime series Californication, “drowning in a sea of pointless pussy”. I had the abundance, but not the appreciation for it.
Avoiding oneitis is NOT a matter of avoiding the idea of “feeling connected” to someone, or even the feeling of “finding someone special“. It is about emotional investment and validation. Investing emotionally in a girl before you have a real reason to, before she is interested/attracted and willing to do so herself, before she has earned it, there’s the rub. That is what puts you in the friend zone. There is an intrinsic difference between being interested in a girl, wanting to get to know her, and investing emotionally in her. When I was young, I was the fatalistic “nice guy” who would frequently fall for a girl, profess this to her, be put in the friend zone, then sit in a clueless depression when it was made apparent that I was in the friend zone and that she was not in the least bit interested. I had not yet learnt that having emotions and appreciating them, even acting on them, is not the same as investing emotionally in someone or something. Lacking this sort of emotional rapport is what will get you a bad case of oneitis and oftentimes that dreaded “I like you, but as a friend” talk.
The Best Way to Get Over Girl Numbness
So how to most effectively get over girl frustrations, get rid of oneitis, get over being in the friend zone, or simply de-invest your emotions once you have got to this point? Conventional pickup and seduction mentality tells men that, if they are in the friend zone, they must “go fuck ten other women”. I know from personal experience however that if you are sleeping with one girl and still thinking about how much you miss another girl, you are actually taking several steps backwards in terms of allowing yourself to truly heal your heart and get over girl who hurt you. Being intimate with new girls without being able to really appreciate them due to your preoccupation with your oneitis will leave you back at square one. No progress can be made by this method.
Instead of viewing women as conquests as a means of moving on, focus on making connections. Go approach and make real and emotional connections with ten other women. Have genuine and vulnerable interactions with them. Focus on the value they have to offer to you and appreciate that this value is extremely meaningful and wholly unique. In the end you will arrive emotionally at the conclusion that you probably know logically, that there are heaps of other awesome girls out there, and that you need only to open your eyes to see that there are plenty of other special someones out there for you.
The benefit of this is that when you do meet another one of those really special girls, and the interest, the attraction and ultimately that emotional investment is all reciprocated, then the relationship you have with the girl will be entirely more meaningful and valuable for both of you than anything you had ever before experienced.
So don’t cut off your entire emotional response. Don’t even try to avoid oneitis. If you meet an awesome girl, enjoy her company, appreciate her personality, escalate etc, but make sure you are seeing relatively eye-to-eye in terms of how much you invest emotionally in one another.
What have your experiences been with this sort of thing? How have you dealt with being in the friend zone or over-investing emotionally in someone? What did you do to get over the girl or guy? Share your experiences and insights below.